There’s a saying “When people show you who they are, believe them.” I have heard this a million times and for some reason this was a lesson I had to learn through experience. I’m grateful that I finally have though, and I pray that I will keep leaning into it!
People are made up of their own unique personalities, experiences, thought patterns, upbringing, dreams, etc. As you get to know people, many of these things are revealed. For me, as the relationship develops and the expectation of who I thought the person would be does not meet who the person actually is, I had two main routes. One, I denied reality and acceptance and begin my quest to ‘change’ the person. (Cringe…we will get back to this in a moment.) The second thing that would happen is I created a story in my head about what I perceived to be the issue and acted on my perception instead of truth. Both of these routes can be understood, but in practice they are not healthy. As people come into our lives, we must accept them for who they are.
What I’ve realized is that instead of reacting in the ways above, I had to actually sit with what it means to be in relationship with people. I had to accept the fact that people are not going to be exactly what I want them to be 100% of the time. This is truth that is hard to swallow, but it is also beautiful. People and all their idiosyncrasies and differing ways of being are what add color to life.
So now instead of reacting in an unhealthy manner and trying to change people, I have turned inward. After being in relationship with people, I have developed a sense of what I want. Knowing myself and what I am willing to accept and not accept in my relationships has helped a lot. If I am confronted with something new, then I have to be in touch with myself and actually figure out how I am feeling, then make a decision and act upon it. People are going to be who they are. You CANNOT change people. I am going to repeat that because it is important! You CANNOT change people! People change because they decide to do so. You can have influence. You can pray about it. You can even express to them how you want them to change. But at the end of the day, the decision to change is made by the person, and not you! There will be times, when you decide that you can and will accept all of the person and you will keep them in your life. There will also be times when you cannot accept all of a person and you have to walk away. This is the only change that you have control over. Please remember that!
This lesson was put to the test in many of my friendships. Some of these experiences may seem trivial to you but they were important to me. Here’s some background. I grew up in a family where constant communication was the norm. To this day I can call my mom, dad, or brother and they will 99.9% of the time answer the phone. If they don’t answer, I can guarantee that a text message would be coming to my phone in about 5 seconds telling me that they will call me back, but to text them if it was urgent. So for me, when people do not answer their phone/text messages, I used to feel as if I was unimportant to the person (A drastic correlational statement? Maybe. But hey, it was my truth.) I have one friend who I would call on FaceTime maybe once every three months and we would talk for 3-4 hours, but in between those calls I would not hear from her at all. When my mom would ask about her I would give her a small update, but in my mind we were not that close because even though we did talk a few times a year, she would rarely initiate the conversation, and to me, once a quarter was barely talking at all! I was in my feelings a bit, but in a random conversation with her she expressed to me that her family is not big on checking in over the phone. They love each other dearly, but she can go weeks without even talking to her mom. She also told me that she is really bad at reaching out to people, but it’s something she is aware of and working on. After I had this conversation with her, a lightbulb went off. Her actions had nothing to do with me! Here I was taking it personal when this is just who she is. Now from here, it was my turn to decide if this was something I can accept or if I wanted to just keep our relationship at more of an acquaintance level. Well I love this girl to life! She brings so much more to our relationship and I really like having her around. I have accepted that I will most likely be the person to reach out, but that has nothing to do with the state of our relationship and more to do with me being the person who wants to talk more.
The second example involves my friend who is a terrible texter! When she reads this, she is going to know I am talking about her! We joke about this often now. But this friend would literally text me, and when I responded she would not text back! I would be thinking, “She initiated the conversation and then had the nerve not to reply?! Make it make sense!” Whew! This made my blood boil! (I can laugh now thinking about it.) I brought it up to her though and we talked about it. I can’t say that she has gotten better at responding to text messages, but I know that if I call her, she will answer or return my call within 2-3 days. If I really need her, I can message her on Instagram and definitely get a reply same day. Is this my way of doing things? Absolutely not, but does this mean that her way is wrong? Nope. People can be just who they want to be. I do believe that people can change, but trying to make people change is not healthy and I don’t want to be the friend that people feel they cannot be themselves around. That’s no fun either.
Now in these two experiences I have learned a lot through my friends. I talk about this in my last blog post too! Don’t wait until you are in a romantic relationship to start flexing your relationship skills. Practice with your friends. Through these experiences they taught me to accept people as they are, but they also revealed to me the flaw in our society that we should always have access to people. Growing up my mom kept the line of communication open for safety reasons, but that does not mean I have to have that same access to my friends. And not having that same standard in my friendships does not mean the relationship is bad! I am grateful for exactly who they are. I had to let go of my expectations to really let the relationships be what they are meant to be!
Have you learned this lesson as well? What is something you have learned from accepting people just as they are? Let me know in the comments!
Love Y’all!
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